The Pajama Commandments
In 2006, a religious monument was dismantled in a public park in downtown La Crosse, Wisconsin. Found underneath the monument was a tablet containing strictures regarding the public wearing of pajamas. The date of the tablet has been estimated as far back as 3,000 BCE, but that estimation was articulated by my buddy Jake, who was drunk. It's more likely that the tablet was stuck under the religious monument when it was erected in 1998--I mean... it's just a Mead spiral bound tablet, so... those don't usually last 5,000 years. Suck it, Jake. Anyway, the tablet is now under lock and key inside my saxophone case downstairs behind the old baby crib. It contains the following decrees, many of which may originate in the Epic of Gilgamesh, who was a big all-day-pajamas guy.
The Pajama Commandments
1. None of directives apply to you if you don't care. If you flat out just don't care, you can wear pajamas anytime, anywhere.
2. If you're not working, you may wear pajamas all day.
3. You're not a loser for wearing pajamas all day.
4. You might be a loser, but it's not because you wear pajamas all day. Your flat front charcoal trousers from Gap only mask the fact that you're a loser for a brief period of time.
5. You can totally wear fleece pajama bottoms anywhere. Anywhere! If they have a partially open fly, you probably want to wear some underwear, and unless you're looking for attention down there, you might want to wear underwear of a similar color to the fleece pajama bottoms.
6. You probably don't want to wear your pajama top openly. Unless you've got some awesome Incredible Hulk ring-neck, or Underdog jams, you'll want to throw a windbreaker over that baby. Windbreakers match fleece pajama bottoms.
7. If you're a male, and if you're in a long-term romantic relationship, and your partner finds out that you wore pajamas in public, just chuckle and shake your head, like "I know, I'm such an idiot." Odds are that your partner is infantilizing you in numerous ways, and if you don't argue about the appropriateness of your pajama-wearing behavior, the event will just get added to the laundry list of your bungled attempts at human adult-hood. Next time you do it, your partner will barely notice.
8. If you're female, and in a long-term romantic relationship, you can take on the beleaguered responsible party role. The only reason you're out in public in your pajamas is that your partner refuses to clean a toilet, wash a dish, fold a pair of knickers, etc. You've been driven to this.
9. If you have a teenage daughter, and she finds out you wore pajamas in public, you might consider starting to act slightly insane in other ways--practice a little wild-eyed grin, make soft barking sounds when she thinks you don't know she's there. Your unpredictability may inspire a kind of wariness that's probably as close to respect as you're going to get for a while.
10. It may not be acceptable to wear sexy pajamas in public. If you're going to do it, though, you'll want to wear some obvious make-up or jewelry so that people know that you're trying to be weirdly trashily sexy on your errand run to Home Depot. If you live in Las Vegas or Rio or somewhere, you can probably wear sexy pajamas. I mean, like I said, do whatever you want. This is not a rule. Be yourself. Why shouldn't you slut it up a little bit. More people than you realize have imagined you in your sexy pajamas. Why not just give them something real to look at? I think you should do it, and if there's a God, my guess is he or she thinks so too.
Amen.
The Pajama Commandments
1. None of directives apply to you if you don't care. If you flat out just don't care, you can wear pajamas anytime, anywhere.
2. If you're not working, you may wear pajamas all day.
3. You're not a loser for wearing pajamas all day.
4. You might be a loser, but it's not because you wear pajamas all day. Your flat front charcoal trousers from Gap only mask the fact that you're a loser for a brief period of time.
5. You can totally wear fleece pajama bottoms anywhere. Anywhere! If they have a partially open fly, you probably want to wear some underwear, and unless you're looking for attention down there, you might want to wear underwear of a similar color to the fleece pajama bottoms.
6. You probably don't want to wear your pajama top openly. Unless you've got some awesome Incredible Hulk ring-neck, or Underdog jams, you'll want to throw a windbreaker over that baby. Windbreakers match fleece pajama bottoms.
7. If you're a male, and if you're in a long-term romantic relationship, and your partner finds out that you wore pajamas in public, just chuckle and shake your head, like "I know, I'm such an idiot." Odds are that your partner is infantilizing you in numerous ways, and if you don't argue about the appropriateness of your pajama-wearing behavior, the event will just get added to the laundry list of your bungled attempts at human adult-hood. Next time you do it, your partner will barely notice.
8. If you're female, and in a long-term romantic relationship, you can take on the beleaguered responsible party role. The only reason you're out in public in your pajamas is that your partner refuses to clean a toilet, wash a dish, fold a pair of knickers, etc. You've been driven to this.
9. If you have a teenage daughter, and she finds out you wore pajamas in public, you might consider starting to act slightly insane in other ways--practice a little wild-eyed grin, make soft barking sounds when she thinks you don't know she's there. Your unpredictability may inspire a kind of wariness that's probably as close to respect as you're going to get for a while.
10. It may not be acceptable to wear sexy pajamas in public. If you're going to do it, though, you'll want to wear some obvious make-up or jewelry so that people know that you're trying to be weirdly trashily sexy on your errand run to Home Depot. If you live in Las Vegas or Rio or somewhere, you can probably wear sexy pajamas. I mean, like I said, do whatever you want. This is not a rule. Be yourself. Why shouldn't you slut it up a little bit. More people than you realize have imagined you in your sexy pajamas. Why not just give them something real to look at? I think you should do it, and if there's a God, my guess is he or she thinks so too.
Amen.
I am reading this in pajamas 2 sizes too big for me. It is 9:30 in the morning. I tell myself it's bonus points if I manage to get dressed by noon.
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