Traditional causes of human suffering are invited to a charity mixer. All proceeds from the inaugural "Great Ball of Fire" will support the global erosion of empathy, friendliness, and plain old consideration. Join special guests Poverty, Cancer, and Fear for a night of misery and dancing hosted by Ryan Seacrest. All donations of a sob, scream, or self-destructive impulse at the door will be rewarded with a ticket good for one free beverage from our corporate sponsor, Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Door prizes include scary goalie masks and gangrene. In an interview, celebrity spokesperson Kelly Ripa captured the spirit of total impending doom: “when you think of just how awful any one of these causes of suffering can be on its own, it’s truly frightening to think of them all grinding under a disco ball to ‘Asleep’ by The Smiths.” Special discounted tickets are available for Ignorance, Selfishness, and Prejudice. Just show valid ID at the door.
The event will be held in the Westbury incinerator on Long Island, at midnight, February 12th, 2014. Doors will klink shut behind the last miserable cuss to enter, and as the room gets hotter, causes of suffering are encouraged to ignore the pain and concentrate on Morrissey’s voice—just slowly sway into the bright, bright heat until all is finally forgiven.