Relationship Saved, At Least Briefly, By Metrical Verse

Her:   Look, I mean, it’s just really hard right now, and it’s obviously not going to get any easier.

Him:  You don’t know that.  I mean….

Her:   Don’t interrupt me.   You always interrupt me.   God, I’ve been putting up with this shit for sixteen weeks.

Him:   Sixteen weeks?

Her:   116 days.

Him:   You counted the days?  That’s messed up. …  Wait.  Are you breaking up with me?

Her:   Genius.  Good job on that Ph. D.

Him:   Wait.  Just wait.  Hold that thought.

Her:   Where are you going?

Him:   This’ll take one second.

Her:   The tripod?  The camera?  What?  No!

Him:   YES!  Listen.  This is only gonna happen once, and I want to remember it.  If this is our last moment together, I want to hold onto it [he sets up camera, begins recording].

Her:   You’re sick.

Him:   Don’t do anything different [messing with camera].  One second… just… okay: break up with me normal.

Her:   What?

Him:   Go ahead.  Just keep on.  You were counting the days.  116.

Her:   Right!  116 days.  And you’re saying it’s gonna change?

Him:   I didn’t say that.  I just said you don’t know that it’s not going to get easier.  I mean… I don’t have to change for it to get easier.  Something else could change.

Her:   You mean I should change?  I should just accept the total nothingness that I get from you in this so-called relationship and be happy with that.?  Can you seriously put the camera down?

Him:   I object to several things in that statement, but let’s conclude the current thread, here.  The circumstances could change in ways that would make it easier.  You saw what happened with Katrina and Sandy.

Her:   Who?

Him:   The storms.  Katrina and Sandy.  People’s lives were inexorably changed.

Her:   What?

Him:   Something could happen.  That’s all I’m saying.

Her:   A natural disaster would make our relationship easier?

Him:   Probably.  Of course.  

Her:   We live in South Dakota.

Him:   Flood.

Her:   Pierre, South Dakota.

Him:   Plague of locusts.  Biblical apocalypse.  Whatever.

Her:   You need help.

Him:   We’d be there for each other.  Scavenging from the rubble.  I’d be there for you.  I would always be there for you.

Her:  You drive me insane.  Go fuck your mother.   [leaves].

Him:  [stands, moves to camera, checks it]   Wow.  I totally got that.  That’s gonna be amazing footage.

Her:  [reenters].  All this shit is mine.  This is my apartment.

Him:  This camera’s not yours.

Her:  Take your camera then and get out.  I actually hate you.

Him:  I don’t believe that for one second.

Her:  [grabs camera and tripod and threatens to smash].  It’s the camera or your face.  Leave.

Him:  [re-takes camera, continues filming as he moves toward the door]  Okay.  Listen.  It’s been great with you.  I’ll never forget you sexually.

Her:  Swell. 

Him:  I mean, you’re beautiful during sex.

Her:  [kicks him].

Him:  Ow!  Damn!  I was complimenting you!  Wait [checks camera] I totally got that on tape! 

Her:  It’s not tape.  There’s no tape.  Moron. 

Him:  I can’t wait to see this footage.

Her:  [kicks him again]  Did you get that one?

Him:                Kick me!  No!  If passion moves you so then
                        Kiss me!  Now!  Let this camera do what
                        it was born to do, shoot porn of you and
                        me on this, our last day together.

Her:  Was that blank verse?

Him:  It kind of fell apart at the end, but yeah.

Her:  I love blank verse.

Him:  Yeah? 

Her:  MmmHmm.  Totally hot.

Him:  I’ve got more.

Her:  Do you?

Him:  Right in my pants.

Her:  God you’re dumb.

Him:  But you love me.

Her:  Ugh.  Let’s just go have sex and then we’ll see what happens.

[Both exit, with camera and tripod, toward bedroom]


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