Terry Eagleton Interviews Tim Tebow about Jesus



Noted theorist and cultural historian Terry Eagleton caught up with Bronco's QB Tim Tebow recently, at a Sonic near Grand Junction. 


   Terry Eagleton (TE): I want to start by saying that I’m not actually a sportswriter or a journalist.

   Tim Tebow (TT):  Okay.

   TE: Not that I’m trying to impress you, but before we begin speaking to each other, you should understand that I'm an intellectual.

TT:  Cool.

TE: So my takes are working on all levels, okay?  I’ve published like frickin a hundred books.

TT:  Cool.  I've got a ton of respect for that.

TE:  Okay, so, about Jesus.  You love him.

   TT:  I do.

   TE:  But you've also become him.  A couple weeks ago, you humiliated the Pittsburgh Steelers--I bet you never thought of that, Tim--you humiliated them like Job.  But after the game, the Virgin Mary was sited in your stat line.  316 yards?  31.6 average yards per completion?  And this all happening 3 years and 16 days after you first wrote the words "John 3:16" in white letters on your eye black at the University of Florida.  Tell me about that.  Were there accompanying auras or visions?

   TT:  All I can say is that I believe God works through all of us.  If he happened to choose my stat line as a place to make an appearance, what can I say?  I'm honored.  I probably would've picked Josh Freeman. 

TE:  Now it is you, Daniel-San, who must be the teacher.  Who is this other holy man?

TT:  Huh?  Josh Freeman?  You don't know Josh Freeman?  He's the QB for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  Second year guy.  Way better than me.  He's tall, and totally athletic.  Just long, lanky strides like a jungle gazelle.  He's got the coolest hair.  You should--

TE:  Gazelles live on the African plains, Tim, but... I get that you have a crush on him.

TT:  Whatever.  Are we done? 

TE:  I'll get to my point, here.  Throughout history, figures that are chosen for religious significance usually undergo some kind of a fall from the pinnacle of grace--they're martyred by the state, they experience periods of self-doubt, they wander in the wilderness, whatever.  The instances are different, but the gist of it is that the chosen ones have to suffer.  In the U.S., it's especially crazy, because everyone's trying to be the chosen one.  Televangelists.  Congressmen.  And evenutally, every single one of these figures gets cut down by a scandle.  Like, remember that congressman who was having secret meth binges with his gay slave?  That's probably my favorite example.

TT:  Get to the point.

TE:  What's going to happen to you?  That's what I want to know, Tim. 

TT:  None of us are given to know the future, Dr. Eagleturd.

TE:  You listen to me [grabs Mr. Tebow by the collar, pulling their stubbled faces together--in the footage, they look surprisingly alike, and light from the neon milkshake display bathes their bulbous, human features].  I get you, Tebow.  I understand you in ways you can't possibly hope to understand yourself.  And I can see the general shape of your future.

TT:  The general shape of my future?  The great Oxford professor sees the general shape of my future?

TE:  [releases Tebow and, with a convulsive sob, buries his face in his hand]. 

TT:  Hey, hey now.  I'm sorry.  Seriously, you're doing a good job.  This is a fun interview.

TE:  You mean it?

TT:  Yeah, sure.  You still hungry?  How 'bout some more cheese tots.  On me.

TE:  I shouldn't.

TT:  Come on.  One time.

TE:  Okay, thanks Tim.  I mean it. 

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